I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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