I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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