so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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