your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
