just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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