Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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