The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
