My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
