I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
