They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
