What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
