ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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