it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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