Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
