I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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