All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
