I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
