How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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