i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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