I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
