I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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