Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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