oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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