i was born a porn star she said
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
