I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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