my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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