Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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