Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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