i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
