I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
