I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
