Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
