Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
