im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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