His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I could fuck to npr.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
