you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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