she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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