She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
