The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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