What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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