he wants to bone in the snuggie
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
