and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
