i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
