Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
