I have demons in me.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
