I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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