Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
