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so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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