Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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