the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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