I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
