Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
