I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
