I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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