we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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