....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
