Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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