he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
