i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
